Saturday, November 19, 2011

Let them speak

Here's an idea that many people would find shocking: it doesn't make me nervous when I find out people have been talking about me.

I'll take it further: it doesn't make me nervous when I hear people have been discussing my mistakes, even my flaws, and discussing what they think I should do.

I'm not bluffing. I've had friends tell me, or casually mention, they've been discussing my huge impasse/dropping out of college amongst themselves. That they've been discussing my relationships. My job. My family. How much of a pushover I am. I wasn't guessing, I was told. I was never, however, told the details.

I considered they might have been understanding. I contemplated they might have been talking trash. I know they've probably said I'm: an idiot, lazy, careless, afraid, lost. Maybe they've discussed how to help me find the way the think I should go. And that's ok. People talk. People care. Or don't care and just pay attention because they dislike, disapprove, fear, or find stupid, or any other bad light one could put things under, so you know I'm not only ok because I'm being optimistic.

People talking doesn't change much, and sure as hell doesn't change me.

Remember that phrase that goes "Podrán cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera"? That's a nice one. Something not so nice but tracing a similar idea is that you may try to stop people from talking about you, but you can't stop them from thinking and having opinions. Deal with it. You are public. You are a public matter. Thank goodness you are, imagine the boredom and how hard it would be to grow in isolation. There's much more about you you're letting out with what you say and how you behave, than what other people may be sharing. Yes, even if you think that what comes out of you is in your control. Geez.

I thought I was a control freak. I eventually found out that I had now idea what a control freak is like. I used to think I lived in general a bit too ashamed of myself for my own good, and fearful of ridicule. By now I've realized that the are more harmful levels of fear of shame, and that it can hurt people around one as well.

Just relax.


Cachito said...

Bueeeenooo, bueeenoooo, Carolain...ya pasa, ya pasa....( con suaves y rítmicas palmaditas en el culete )

ojalá flambeáramos waffles órficos junando oscuros vuelos.

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